Yes I am feeling the burn (burn out that is). It happens to the best of us and while I try to be positive and take D in stride, there are just days when it bites you in the arse. So this is one of those posts that may be a little of a Debbie Downer. (that is your warning read on if you dare)
Today has been one of those days where every turn I am either reliving Bekah's dx day. Maybe it's the weather or the smells in the air but my head keeps going back to that looong drive home from the hospital when I left her in the PICU with Jason. Or those first few nights home from the hospital where I just laid in bed and watched her sleep. When my head is not there, I am rehashing conversations that I had with Jason's best friend David. I was so ignorant. I was one of those people that I get so frustrated with today. I didn't get why it was so hard to manage his blood sugar. A+B=C right?? If only I had seen this (Written by Shawn Reynolds) maybe I would have gotten it.
Diabetes is a day in and day out struggle, everyday is like an algebra final where not all exponents are definable A=age B=bloodsugar C=carbs D=dietary fibers E=exercise F=food (though a friend tonight thinks the "F" is for something else LOL) G=growth H= HELP? (support unit) or sometimes HIGH I=insulin K=ketones L=low O=oh shit S=sugar U=up all night X= whatever in the hell it wants to be.At this B how much I for this much F with this many C minus the D if there has been no E and if there is a miscalculation of the undefined X will you get an L or an H with H being the second participle which may result in a U when the G may or may not become a factor and will K come into the equation if I is +/ - the F.If there are any problems please feel free to narrow the equation to O H F U C K if it still doesn't make sense you are not one of my friends that have been affected by diabetes, but I LOVE YOU ALL REGARDLESS. There will be a new equation EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, diabetes always pulls an X out of it's hat.
Today is just one of those days where the reality of diabetes is sobering to me and the weight of it feels heavy. Numbers get better then we fight lows, just as I am thinking about changing some basals, numbers go back up again. *sigh*
David woke up at 4AM sopping wet (in a diaper) and crabby as all get out. I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't once stop and think that I needed to check his BG. I didn't check though, I just concentrated on getting him back to sleep.
I believe that we as mom's set the tone of our home and it's my job to try to stay positive so this is where I come to dump the junk that gets in the way. Right now it feels like there is a mountain in my way and I don't know how to move it. While I am choosing joy, pressing in to joy and my kids would tell you that mom is still the same embarrassing, dancing in the kitchen or trying to sing (I can barely carry a tune but it makes them smile), I know the difference and today I feel the heavy weight of diabetes bringing me down.