Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Feeling the burn

Yes I am feeling the burn (burn out that is).  It happens to the best of us and while I try to be positive and take D in stride, there are just days when it bites you in the arse.  So this is one of those posts that may be a little of a Debbie Downer.  (that is your warning read on if you dare)

Today has been one of those days where every turn I am either reliving Bekah's dx day.  Maybe it's the weather or the smells in the air but my head keeps going back to that looong drive home from the hospital when I left her in the PICU with Jason.  Or those first few nights home from the hospital where I just laid in bed and watched her sleep.  When my head is not there, I am rehashing conversations that I had with Jason's best friend David.  I was so ignorant.  I was one of those people that I get so frustrated with today.  I didn't get why it was so hard to manage his blood sugar.  A+B=C  right??   If only I had seen this (Written by Shawn Reynolds) maybe I would have gotten it.

 Diabetes is a day in and day out struggle, everyday is like an algebra final where not all exponents are definable A=age B=bloodsugar C=carbs D=dietary fibers E=exercise F=food (though a friend tonight thinks the "F" is for something else LOL) G=growth H= HELP? (support unit) or sometimes HIGH I=insulin K=ketones L=low O=oh shit S=sugar U=up all night X= whatever in the hell it wants to be.At this B how much I for this much F with this many C minus the D if there has been no E and if there is a miscalculation of the undefined X will you get an L or an H with H being the second participle which may result in a U when the G may or may not become a factor and will K come into the equation if I is +/ - the F.If there are any problems please feel free to narrow the equation to O H F U C K if it still doesn't make sense you are not one of my friends that have been affected by diabetes, but I LOVE YOU ALL REGARDLESS.   There will be a new equation EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, diabetes always pulls an X out of it's hat.

Today is just one of those days where the reality of diabetes is sobering to me and the weight of it feels heavy.  Numbers get better then we fight lows, just as I am thinking about changing some basals, numbers go back up again.  *sigh* 

David woke up at 4AM sopping wet (in a diaper) and crabby as all get out.  I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't once stop and think that I needed to check his BG.  I didn't check though, I just concentrated on getting him back to sleep. 

I believe that we as mom's set the tone of our home and it's my job to try to stay positive so this is where I come to dump the junk that gets in the way.  Right now it feels like there is a mountain in my way and I don't know how to move it.  While I am choosing joy, pressing in to joy and my kids would tell you that mom is still the same embarrassing, dancing in the kitchen or trying to sing (I can barely carry a tune but it makes them smile), I know the difference and today I feel the heavy weight of diabetes bringing me down.  


  1. Love your equation variables....so true!

  2. First off, you are not alone. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not, but I still have some days where our equation = OHFUCK too (btw, I loved that part of the post...especially when it comes from where I least expect it! You almost never curse). I love you and I am thinking of you...

  3. We are five years into Skyler's diagnosis and I still have days like that. The difference is that now I know I won't stay in the funk. Be patient with yourself. Your doing a great job and you will feel better and more positive just give it some time. What a test D is!!!

  4. Heidi - I have another book you might enjoy, Mitten Strings for God, it's a wonderful book about mothering and how to enjoy all the little moments.
    I think you're a wonderful mother. I think this is hard, very, very hard and I'd be lying if I said that it is a cake walk at any point - even the idea of balance is off...I jus think at sometimes it's more of a heavy weight on our shoulders than others. I'd love to bring you a latte and a little conversation today.
    Friend you are not alone...and actually if you're not busy memorial weekend maybe we can meet up, I'm thinking of going to Ptown for the weekend if all stars align. IF you're free send me a msg on FB.
    And I hope you enjoy the beautifully sunny day with your kiddos today :)

  5. We had a night last night. I woke this morning, wondering if it had all been a bad dream...finally a number under 400 flashed across the meter, and I let out a huge sigh.

    Two site changes and at least a gallon of water overnight made us 45 minutes late for school this morning.

    Here I am. Trying to pull myself out of the same funk...and just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

  6. Sending love your way!

    I keep trying to 'say' something helpful but it's not coming out the way I want it to. Know that I'm praying this burn subsides quickly!!

  7. I hope you're feeling better today. Know that we D mamas out there get it and we care. ((HUGS))