I went in to today's endo appointment knowing that it was not going to be pretty. I still cried on the way home. I cried becuase I feel like my daughter deserves better. I have read the studies and know what a higher A1C could mean for her future.
The most challenging job I have had is being a mom. (It's incredibly rewarding but challenging non the less) That was until I became a mama pancreas. Being a mama pancreas is tedious, meticulous and draining. Unlike being a mom, the rewards are few. It takes a completely selfless attitude as your life is poured out into calculations, ratios, factors and boluses 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with out a break, ever. I do all of this to my best ability for my daughter so that she doesn't have to do this stuff and so that she can live a long, full life ( I pray).
These last three months as a mama pancreas have been particularly challenging as Bekah came out of the honeymoon phase (where her pancreas was secreting some insulin). Her insulin needs increased. Each of her basal rates went up at least one notch and her I:C for dinner changed. On top of that she had a couple of colds, a raging ear infection, strep throat and some growth going on.
I had checked her 90 day average and got a 218 which would translate to an A1C of 9.2. I was pretty sure that it wasn't going to be that high but close. I went with the expectation of seeing an 8.6. Even her 7 day average was at a 207 so I knew the 7.2 we had seen last time was a thing of the past.
I left the endocrinologist office last time with an A1C of 7.2% hoping for a lower number at our next appointment. Unfortunately that was not the case today. 8.2% was what we left with. I know I did my best but I feel like my best was not good enough...
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With all that has been going on in the past 90 days, 8.2 sounds like a good number to me!! Sure, it's up from the last appointment but there have been lots of adjustments that have been made; lots of figuring out to do because of that stupid pancreas finally giving out; sickness that wreak havoc on numbers even when you aren't trying to make adjustments!
ReplyDeleteSo, take what you've figured out over the last 90 days and put it to use for the next 90 days and look forward to a 'better' number then!!
You are an awesome mom and pancreas! Bekah is lucky to have you! :)
8.2 is a fine number, especially considering all that has hit you guys over the past 3 months. But, I know how you feel. The same thing happens to me after Endo appts. Our best will never seem good enough b/c we know the ramifications of these numbers. You could not have done more. You pancreated your heart out friend. Take comfort in that and let's whip that glycosylated hemoglobin back down to size SISTAH! WOOT.
ReplyDeleteBreath in.
ReplyDeleteBreath out.
Head high.
You got this, girl :)
I remember learning how they used to determine BG levels and how they pretty much estimated upon shades of blue - there were not A1C's and things were tough. We have such great tools in our arsenal of weaponry to combat diabetes now, let's just not use them to beat ourselves up, too. An A1C is just a number, just a small peak into what is going on..an 8.2 isn't horrible, nothing is horrible unless it stays way too high for way too long...you're doing an awesome job and Bekah is growing in all ways that she should. Bravo!
ReplyDeletei just went through this exact thing - just know you truly do your best every moment because you are a mummy who loves her baby!. stupid numbers and food and everything that goes along with diabetes. keep working at it like wendy said... Head HIGH!!XX
ReplyDeleteWendy and Reynna nailed it. Illness screws with bgs SO much!!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
You are so right in commenting that an A1c cannot be perfect every time.... you are in this for the long haul. Illness, so many things can impact the A1c. This is only a short, three-month period of time. I know you are disappointed. Anyway, it's a lower A1c than her average indicated, so that's something. I doubt if she is going to have another three months like the last three, so her A1c will certainly come down, don't worry.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the best for your daughter by loving her the way you do. The rest will all get better - don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDelete