This post has been haunting my thoughts for the past 7 months. Given the recent events, I just need to get it out of my head and in to cyber space. I will warn you, this is a tragic event and just as much of a parent's night mare as the recent death of a CWD. I don't expect you to read it but I need to purge my brain. I need to release the fear. Proceed with caution...
David, was my husband's best friend in high school. They had dreams of raising their families together and pursuing degrees from the University of Washington. The plan was that they would both get math degrees and eventually be math teachers. David played the guitar and was a part of a band that did some Christian rock, Petra style of course. Jason did the sound for that group. David was smart and talented, he was kind and a great friend. I used to love to rub his head after he had just gotten a fresh cut. I loved the way his newly sheared head felt. David also had T1D. I didn't know much about it nor did I ask. It was his thing and he made it look like no big deal. He'd carry insulin and syringes around in his pocket and give himself injections through his jeans (not the most sanitary of practices but at least he was getting his insulin). I never remember seeing him check his blood sugar, but then again that was 20 years ago and I'm not sure what kind of technology for checking blood glucose levels was available then.
David became a husband and father not long after the boys graduated and by the time they were 21, had three children (one was adopted from his wife's previous relationship). Life was stressful for David as he worked tirelessly to make ends meet. I had no idea the other stresses in his life. I didn't take the time to understand about D. As I look back, I feel so selfish. As close as we all were, I didn't even try to "get" that part of him.
I remember one time helping he and his wife move and there was nothing really left in the house when he had to sit down with a low BG. He was searching for anything to help get his BG back up. My husband ran to the store for some OJ while I stayed and talked to David. I remember he was sitting there looking scared and sweating. I asked some ignorant questions as I tried to understand what was going on. Jason got back fast with the OJ and after a few minutes David was good to go.
I graduated two years after Jason (and David) and we got married not long after. It was the following February that we got the call...... David had taken his life.
He bought a gift for each of his girls and then gave himself a shot of insulin. He was watching out the window of a hotel room, looking at the coast when he passed out on to the bed. He had rented a room for 3 days. The maid found him. I remember at the time thinking, "how did he know how much would do the trick?" Now a seasoned D-mom, I know he knew.
I think about it so often now. I was so ignorant when it happened. I can just see him starting to shake and sweat, feeling scared and alone. I wonder, as he was going unconscious, did he regret what he was doing? I hate that I didn't try harder to "get it".
David and Jason had this thing about the name Joshua and the race was on to see who had the first boy. Of course when our first son was born, we named him Joshua and our second boy is named David, after our friend. We also chose the name David because we can honestly say we have never met a David we did not like.
I can't go back but if he were here now I would tell him that I am sorry I didn't take the time to understand him better. I do wish he were here to give his perspective as we parent our way through this blasted disease. What advice would he give? How would his wisdom help us?
I would love to tell you that we stayed close to his wife and girls, but we didn't. The pain was just too much. It was an immature response to grief, I see that now. It's been 17 and a half years but still, the pain some days, like now as I type this, is just as fresh as the day it happened. We have stayed in contact with his parents but not as close as either of us would like. Again, the pain and memories come flooding back every time we are in the same room.
So you see, I have a healthy and some days not so healthy fear of insulin. Insulin took the life of some one dear to me. I don't want to hear about it taking the life of anyone else, especially one of my own children. My heart aches tonight for my own loss and for a family that I have never met. My heart aches becuase the reality of D slapped us all upside the head today. Meri's post stirred something in me and brought this post to the forefront of my mind. I know if I am going to release the fear, I have to release my friend and the way that he left this earth.
Good bye David! Rest In Peace my friend!
(I hope one day to add a photo to this post. All of our photos and year books are packed away.)
My thoughts and prayers go out to Eilish's family as the sting of death is so fresh in their hearts.