Honeymoon

There is a term in the D world called the "honeymoon phase". The honeymoon is basically where the pancreas is out of crisis and begins to kick out some insulin. BG levels are fairly easy to manage on very little insulin during this time. Most people are dx with T1D when 90% of the insulin producing cells in the pancreas have been destroyed. That last 10% will eventually be destroyed but the amount of time that it takes for that to happen varies from person to person.

When Bekah was first diagnosed it was a crisis and even though inside I was holding up ok you could take one look at me and know something big was going on. I was a mess. I tend to let my outward appearance slide when I am stressed. I don't have the time or energy to put on make up or do my hair.

As the days went on I felt myself changing inside and longed to reflect that in my outward appearance. I had a friend of mine that does hair give me a new color and cut. I loved that I was able to reflect the new me on the outside too.
I was handling this whole new life ok. Bekah's BG numbers were staying very neat and tidy in that 80-180 goal window that they gave us in the hospital. Three weeks went by and I thought this was going to be smooth sailing. "This is not so tough. I can do this." I thought to myself. I was becoming more organized with everything in my life because D forced me to be. It felt good to be organized (not my best skill).

Bam out of the blue Bekah had a BG reading of 48. My heart raced as I found the Starbursts we had set aside for just such an occasion. She ate the 4 allotted candies and in 15 min her BG level was back up in the range. We had a few more lows over the next few weeks. Bekah was able to recognize them for the most part. She of course thought they were fun but, I was frustrated with the lows and having to second guess her pancreas. Still for the most part this was still easy peasy.

One week Bekah had 9 lows. We made many adjustments and got her back on track. At the time I was thinking that maybe I had gotten a dose of reality or what life would be like after the honeymoon.

This week I hit my wall. We have had random highs in the 300s. I had never seen her meter read over 250 before that. I messed up her Lantus twice in one week. I accidentally dumped her newly lost tooth down the drain. (we put teeth in a glass of water in the kitchen-mostly so the tooth fairy doesn't forget the tooth under the pillow (we have a very forgetful tooth fairy at our house)) I fired my self from being her pancreas and mom. It seems to me anybody could do a better job than I have been doing.

My cute new hair do has been in a ponytail, make-up has been forgotten about and I have been sporting my husband's dowdy sweatshirt (it is comfortable and hides my extra padding because I have very little time and motivation for exercise) Plus my glasses broke so I am wearing and old pair as I wait for new contacts to arrive. I am not a pretty sight these days.

I'm not sure if the honeymoon has come to and end or not but emotionally for me it has. The first few weeks I was so thankful that my daughter was alive I would have done anything and as the weeks have gone on I have grown weary and tired. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful to have her here with us and be able to give her shots and all of the other stuff that goes along with D. I am just tired.

I am a music girl and lyrics to songs speak volumes to me. This currently where my heart is at.

Casting Crowns "I Will Praise You in This Storm"

I was sure by now

God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Wow! I just reread my post before putting it out there for the public eye. I think maybe I have been a little depressed. There has been alot more going on besides D that has caused my downward spiral. The transmission on our only car blew up. We don't do credit cards so my hubby had to work extra hrs (18-20 hrs a day) to get the money together to get it back. Both of my older two kids have been having tummy troubles so we have had a myriad of tests done but, haven't been able to figure out what is going on. Before Bekah's dx we saw our pediatrician for well child visits and that was about it. We have been there a lot over the past couple of months. I could go on but you get the idea. I have had a lot on my plate and it's time to deal with the stress in a healthy manner. I came across these verses this morning from Lamentations in the Contemporary English Version of the Bible.

¹⁹Just thinking of my troubles and my lonely wandering makes me miserable. ²⁰That's all I ever think about, and I am depressed. ^b]">[b] ²¹Then I remember something that fills me with hope. ²²The LORD's kindness never fails! If he had not been merciful, we would have been destroyed. ^c]">[c] ²³The LORD can always be trusted to show mercy each morning. ²⁴Deep in my heart I say, "The LORD is all I need; I can depend on him!"

So today is a new day! I will face it with hope and expectation!

No pony tail for me today =)