Monday morning, March 7th, I woke up like a usual Monday morning. Why does 6:30 feel so early on Mondays? I quickly checked FB and blogger and then went to wake the girls up. I went down stairs and made Bekah's lunch and got my coffee. I was then setting the table up for Bekah. (she likes to be independent but I still have to have things set out for her or she gets stressed out) I set her lunch to the left and placed her daily BG log in the middle with a pen and her meter sat just off to the right. That is when it hit me like a tidal wave! It was this Monday a year ago that we were setting the table for a tea party. Getting ready to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was about this time on a Monday (her actual dx day is tomorrow but there is something about the day of the week that hit me hard) that I took this photo.
I never thought I would be brave enough to share this photo. This photo depicts the ugliness of diabetes as it has emaciated my beautiful daughter. This picture rarely leaves me, it is ingrained in my head. It puts a lump in my throat and knot in my stomach every time I look at it. Look at how sick she was, the pale face, sunken eyes and you can see her bones sticking out of her skin. How does a mother let this happen? Oh the fear and the blame, the guilt and the grief overtook me! I was able to choke back the tears until I got the girls to school. I know that letting my self feel the grief is what is going to set me free from it.
These are usually the photos that I share when I talk about "that day"...
The photo is of Bekah and one of Nicole's (my friend that shared a guest post) daughters. I wanted to do something special for her birthday becuase having baby triplet sisters is tough work and she is a great big sister who just needed some special princess time. Bekah was so cold she had to wear a sweatshirt over her dress. You can see how pale she is but she is still happy...the subtle ways of D.
So again a wave comes and goes and I feel stronger becuase I let it run it course and didn't fight against it or push it away. Yes there is joy coming as I pause and thank God once again for giving us a second chance, for the privilege of counting carbs and bolusing insulin day after day to keep my precious one healthy and happy! The joy comes in being thankful, but we do need to let ourselves feel the grief. One, two, five, ten years in there will still be waves of grief and I hope I will remember that feeling them is what will help me grow and then take the time to pause and thank God yet again for his magnificent grace so that I can let the joy back in.
I know looking back at those pictures are so hard aren't they, you just feel an ache in the pit of your stomach knowing you missed something for long enough that your child actually looked "sick"...but here she is and you have such a bright outlook on life and the ability to keep her healthy. I admire your insight and willingness to share with us all so candidly. Take care :)
I wanted to add that the strange thing is that you never forget that moment that you just "knew", my in laws talk about the exact day that they knew TJ needed to go to the docs right away - how they had argued with him about mowing the lawn and how he just was moping and could barely make it up the stairs, he took his shirt off to put one on he used for yardwork and that's when they knew... Some moments really change your life forever. Good thing we have one another to remind us of all the blessings that are abundant despite d :)
As I read this post, memories of Jack's diagnosis flooded me. The pale skin, sunken eyes and emaciated body -- I remember "the look" all too well. Oh, what a difference a year makes! Thank goodness for second chances!
This blog is simply me telling the story of my life and much of it involves caring for my daughter who has type one diabetes. None of this blog is ever intended as medical advice. Please seek your own doctor for medical advice and diagnosis.
D-mom blog
Philippians 3:11-15
I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
I am a wife, a mother to four beautiful children- one of whom has T1D or Type One Diabetes, a Christ follower, a friend, a sister, a daughter etc. I am always striving to improve my health, the way I parent, my walk with Christ and my life in general. I believe that life is too short to sweat the small stuff. I am striving to find the abundant life that Jesus talks about in John 10:10 where He says "I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly." I believe in living life to the fullest each and every day! I love a good cup of coffee, long walks and deep conversations. I want to be the best I can be and I know that I am a work in progress.
A Beautiful post! You and Bekah are very inspiring! Thank you, so much for blogging (:
ReplyDeleteI could never be strong as you both!
I liked how you described grief. I think it was perfect..."waves". And, yes they happen again and again. Maybe not as frequently...but they are there.
ReplyDeleteWow... those pictures are so startling. I can imagine that they must be hard to look at for you.
ReplyDeleteLoved reading about the party you had. Wish we lived there so we could have come too!
I know looking back at those pictures are so hard aren't they, you just feel an ache in the pit of your stomach knowing you missed something for long enough that your child actually looked "sick"...but here she is and you have such a bright outlook on life and the ability to keep her healthy. I admire your insight and willingness to share with us all so candidly.
ReplyDeleteTake care :)
I wanted to add that the strange thing is that you never forget that moment that you just "knew", my in laws talk about the exact day that they knew TJ needed to go to the docs right away - how they had argued with him about mowing the lawn and how he just was moping and could barely make it up the stairs, he took his shirt off to put one on he used for yardwork and that's when they knew...
ReplyDeleteSome moments really change your life forever.
Good thing we have one another to remind us of all the blessings that are abundant despite d :)
As I read this post, memories of Jack's diagnosis flooded me. The pale skin, sunken eyes and emaciated body -- I remember "the look" all too well. Oh, what a difference a year makes! Thank goodness for second chances!
ReplyDelete