The pink backpack

In our house we call it the pink back pack or diabetes bag.  What is inside that pink bag we carry around with us?  Let me show you.

 Here is a better view of the contents

1 hand wipes  2 ketone strips  3 tissues   4 cake mate   5 glucose tabs   6 back-up meter   7 sugar stash (an empty crystal light container with a juice box and some smarties)  8 sugar stash #2 (an empty crystal light container with a juice box, starbursts and a couple of chocolates)  9 extra sites, alcohol wipes and test strips  10 syringes, extra lancets and an extra cartridge for the pump 11 sugar free Hawaiian Punch pouches 

12  meter remote that works with pump  13 first aid kit  14 glucogon  15  lithium batteries for pump and meter

Depending on how long we are going to be out I will grab the insulin and throw it in a baggie and toss it in the bag as well.  Sometimes I will grab a snack and toss in there too. (Usually it's a granola bar.)  Or I will put a few snacks in a crystal light container and take out one of the sugar stashes.  

Here is what the contents of some of the containers looks like:

  I love using these containers becuase not only is it earth friendly (reuse) but I can mix and match the containers if we need to use another bag or Bekah prefers to take her purse.  She is getting more grown up and a lot of times just wants to take her school purses with her.  These containers are also very easy to grab and not have to go digging for sugar or other needed items and it keeps the stuff clean.  Ever had a juice box collapse and leak all over your bag?  Another good reason to use the containers.   

Here is a photo of her school purses:

This is what usually goes inside those bags (depends on the day which bag is the favorite)

In here we have her meter with some starbursts an extra lancet and glucose tabs plus a sugar stash with a juice box and some smarties

I am ok with such a little amount being carried back and forth because in her classroom, the office and PE office is a large pencil box with extra sites, back-up meter, extra lancets, juice, snacks, extra strips, extra batteries and glucogon (there may be more I just don't remember right now-I will share them this summer as we are gearing up to go back to school)  If one of her purses is the diabetes bag that she chooses and the pink backpack isn't going with us then of course the glucogon gets tossed in as well as the above supplies. 

I am following the very cool gals Reyna, and Alexis who also did a blog and the awesome gals Hallie and Wendy who vlogged on the subject for this project.  They would love your feed back as well.  What is in your D bag?

It's a girl!

My son, Josh has been wanting a dog for over a year now.  It was the only thing on his Christmas list and we just couldn't do it.  Emotionally we were still grieving our husky a bit and life with D was too new.  As the mom, I am realistic as to whom will be taking care of said dog. 

We got our husky when Megan was just a baby and Jason then left a few months later to attend school in Seattle during the week and was only home on weekends.  I was stretched in so many ways!  Many people wonder why I am as patient as I am, well lets just say between the husky and the baby my patient muscle was worked so hard that I almost lost my sanity.  It was not pretty and so I have been extremely reluctant to get a puppy when I have a toddler to potty train etc. 

As the year has progressed we have seen so much more responsibility in Josh that we think he can handle being responsible to take on the primary care for an animal.  We also decided sometime in February that we wanted to proceed with getting a diabetes alert dog.  There is a lot of time and energy that will go in to just obtaining this type of dog with the special training it will need.  It is also a costly endeavor and we will need to do a lot of fund raising etc. 

We didn't want Josh to feel like his desires came second to his sister, or that we were ok with getting a dog for her but not him.  I never want my kids to feel like D is more important than they are.  Yes diabetes has come in to our lives and some days rocks our world but we are all about living life to the fullest D or no D and that means that each and every family member feels respected and  loved unconditionally. 

Josh was hoping and praying that for his birthday he would get a dog.  We decided that if he wanted to spend his birthday money on a dog that he could do that.  Yesterday he went and picked out his dog from a litter of Australian shepherd-Collie mix that are almost weaned.  He just decided to call her KIMBA (not sure of the spelling yet) and she gets to come live with us sometime this weekend.  I am sure if you are a faithful reader of my blog you will get to read about the antics that this new little darling will bring in to our lives.  Isn't she cute??  I am excited to meet her! 

Audiologist postponed...

Let me start this post by sharing the good of the weekend.  The most wonderful thing happened!  Since the time change, Mr. David has decided that midnight (sometimes later) is when he needs to go to sleep.  It has been wearing on me.  I usually am up until then but am used to having a few minutes to unwind sans children before I do the midnight BG check and head off to slumberland.  Friday, I could tell I needed sleep.  I was way more emotional and sensitive than usual (Reyna you saw a bit of it).  At 10:00 on Friday night I asked my husband if he minded trying to get David to sleep or at least letting me take a nap until David was ready.  At 10:30PM my head hit the pillow and I remember nothing (I don't even think I moved) until my eyes opened at 7:30AM.  I felt amazing!  I think I had forgotten what it feels like to wake up rested.  I think it had been since before I was pregnant with David that I had gotten 9 hours of sleep in one sitting.  What an awesome hubby I have!

Saturday about mid-day Bekah complained to me that her ear hurt.  I had a big sense of relief as I figured that maybe this was why she had not passed her hearing screening last week.  She still seemed to be in good spirits and we went to CHAP.  We saw Denise (of my sweetest boy) and her boys and had a blast jumping with painted feet on a mattress.  I came home with paint on my rear (and paint on my car seat because I was unaware that I had sat in paint).  My purse joined in the action too, I think I set it down on the chair I had been sitting in.  It was a blast none the less and a little paint in unexpected places won't keep us away. 

As we were at CHAP Bekah began to sort of fade.  It was pretty obvious that she wasn't feeling well.  When we got home she just laid on the couch and her ear began to drain a bit.  I didin't want to take her to the ER just then so I thought I'd see how the night would go.  I just tried to keep her comfortable and did frequent BG and ketone checks.  Here is what our night looked like: (ketones were always at 0.1)

I had started giving her Ibuprophin before I took her temp so I had to wait and took her temp around noon.  Her temp was 100.1 and I had done a temp basal increase at first to +30% and then I upped it to +70%. I called our clinic's same day services to see if there was a pediatrician working and sure enough there was so off we went to the doc.  (I am so thankful that I was able to take her to the clinic on a Sunday instead of having to wait or going to the ER)

My poor girl had so much wax in there, the doc couldn't see what was going on.  There was a bit of miscommunication at first and the doc was digging in the wrong ear.  Bekah has white earwax (it looks a bit like cotton) and it was pretty well attached to the ear canal.  By the time we left Bekah was in tears becuase the other ear was more sore than the one we had gone in to be seen about.  Given her other symptoms, the doc decided that an antibiotic (both oral and drops) was in order.

Bekah was hungry and hadn't eaten much all day so we stopped at Subway.  She is not much of a sandwich kid so I let her just get some Sunchips and a light lemonade. Her BG was 235 so I did a correction and I bloused her for the 30g of carb and then she s l o w l y ate some of the chips.  We headed to Target to pick up her script.  She had only eaten half of the bag of chips so I decided that I'd watch her demeanor and give her a juice box if I deemed necessary.  I thought we would be quick and back to the car in just a couple of minutes.  It took a little longer than I had expected and at one point Bekah said she needed to sit down.  I immediately gave her the juice box.  She said she didn't feel low.  I made her drink it anyway. As soon as we walked out the door of Target, she began to puke. (at least it was in the parking lot)  CRAP! 

I just stood there with her until she was done emptying the contents of her stomach and then calmly (on the outside) escorted her to the car.  I did not have any thing to wash her hands with to get a good BG reading so I raced home and got her comfortable on the couch.  As I was driving I was going over in my head the glucogon protocol and the mini glucogon protocol.  I was ready with the honey to massage on her gums as she was busy checking her BG level...5,4,3,2... 190.   Whew!  I knew we weren't completely out of the woods so I turned off the temp basal increase and checked again in an hour and got 107.  Then again in an hour 108, hour later 178. Deep sigh of relief.  At bedtime her BG had skyrocketed up to a 294 so I did another temp basal increase.  It was nice then to see numbers the rest of the night that began with a 1. 

Needless to say, going to the audiologist on Tuesday would be unproductive.  I have postponed the appointment until after her follow up with her pediatrician.  I'm pretty sure we got the answers we were seeking this weekend.  I fully expect Bekah to pass the next hearing test that she takes. 

Hearing loss, could it be a complicaton of T1D?

I was putting the final touches on this blog post while David was napping when the phone rang.  It was the school nurse informing me that she had tested Bekah's hearing twice in the past couple of weeks and neither time did she pass in her right ear.  We discussed how this was an issue last year and I had taken her in to her pediatrician where she seemed to pass after a second try. (If you have read Bekah's dx story, this is when my mom-dar started to go off just a bit wondering what was it that just wasn't right) The nurse referred Bekah to the district audiologist where there is a sound proof booth to get a more accurate test result.  I hung up and promptly called the audiologist to make an appointment.  I had to leave a message and then as I sat at my computer in silence the thoughts came rushing in, you D-moms know the thoughts.  Those thoughts that we keep in the back of our mind, the possible complications of T1D. 

Ask any mom of a child with T1D, she knows well what the possible complications are and she will rattle off a list that you would never know from her smile and cheerful attitude that she kept inside of her head.  That list looks a bit like this but it is not something we as D-moms dwell on or we would literally go crazy. "The list" just stays back in the recesses of our brain and tries to push it's way forward only on sick days or days when we are battling high BG after high BG.  Total strangers think they have the one up on us when they inform us of some of these complications.  (That is a blog for another day) What they don't know is that sometimes when it is quiet and we are alone with our thoughts that "the list", sometimes in graphic detail, is right there in front of us and we can't push it down.

This was one of those times "the list" came to the forefront of my head.  I know retinophathy (or blood vessel damage in the eyes specifically the retina) is a complication but I had never heard of ear damage being a possible complication.  I am a nerd, my brain wants to soak up information like a sponge and there are times when this is a blessing and times when it's not so much of a blessing.  This was one of those times that it wasn't a blessing.  I began to think about the fact that general neuropathy (nerve damage) was a complication and we have nerves in our ears.  I decided that I needed to know if indeed hearing loss could be a complication of type one diabetes.  So I consulted the all knowing one...Google. 

The first article that I found was awful, I can't find it again or I would share the link.  It talked about a little girl with T1D who was experiencing hearing loss in her right ear and it turned out to be what the doctor thought was a rare complication and she could possibly go completely deaf.  (If you saw my facebook plea for prayer support that is where it stemmed from).  I then took a deep breath and furthered my search.  Thankfully nothing else I found was as scary.  This was the main gist that I got from the rest of my research.  I decided that I need to wait and "cross the bridge" when (if) we get there.  I don't know why I torture my self like that.  I think in this case, nothing could have prepared me for the day Bekah was dx with T1D and I don't ever want to be that caught off guard again.

I didn't write this blog post to bring up that bad D stuff.  I wanted to share my research with you other D-moms and I needed to get it out of my head.  Tuesday is Bekah's appt with the audiologist.  I will keep you posted.  It's probably just that her right ear doesn't drain properly or she gets wax build up in that ear.  Probably has nothing to do with D.  Hopefully it will be an easy (painless) fix.  I did go to that dark ugly place for a little while but I am back now looking at the glass half full, knowing we will get to meet yet another special person on Tuesday and God only knows the reason our paths need to cross.  

Kids say the darndest things about D

Have you seen the show hosted by Bill Cosby,  Kids Say the Darnedst Things?  I love kids and their innocent way of telling it like it is.  I decided to do a diabetes version of this on my blog today.  Feel free to join in on the fun and blog or comment about your kiddos and their cuteness about D. 

My nephew was sick and my sister gave him some Tylenol to help with his symptoms.  He looked at her and innocently said "Can people with diabetes have Tylenol?"  Not knowing where he was going with it, my sister just matter of factly answered with a "yes".  My nephew's eyes lit up as he exclaimed, "I know we can give Bekah Tylenol and that will make her better!!"  (Oh Jaxson how I wish this was true, bless your sweet little heart)

my nephew Jaxson with a cupcake beard

David, my 2 year old, looked up at the jars of candy that I keep on the counter for Bekah's low blood sugar (I have a jar of smarties, one of jelly beans and one with starbursts) and said, "I want candy".  I responded with, "not right now" (he knows that if Bekah has a low BG or if he goes potty are really the only times he will get to indulge in these tasty treats.)  With out missing a beat he looked and me and said "I(m) low".  I look at him and say, "nice try buddy, you aren't low".  He was determined, "Bekah low".  I trump him with"no she just checked and was 142, that is not low".  He scratched his head and said, "how abooout Megan?"  (o's streched out for dramatic effect) I chuckle at his persistence and simply said, "you are silly, you know Megan doesn't get low blood sugar".  (My husband has had a few hypoglycemic episodes and the last time I made him check his BG becuase I wanted to know what his BG was- it was 62) David then pipes up as he looks across the room at Jason, "Daddy, you need to check?"  The kids loves his candy what can I say.  I decided that maybe he should try to "go" on the potty so I had an excuse for giving in to his cuteness.

We have lots of testing supplies from different vendors and I have put some of them in a box for "play".  David likes to pretend to check his BG or my BG or the Teddy Bear's BG.  He is a CDE or Endo in the works I think ;)  The other day he had a lancing device (with out the needle) and had figured out how to cock it back and press the button to make a clicking noise.  After a few practices, he then decided it was a gun and began "shooting" everything in site.  Oh the fun that non D families miss out on =)

(not a D moment but still funny) Ok then there is this photo that makes me laugh every time I see it.  My little David was born with a sense of humor.  This was taken just after he turned one.  I was doing laundry and turned around to find this:

look how proud he is sporting his new neck wear

Washington state's take on blood glucose monitoring

I live in the Evergreen state (Washington) and if you read the Wall Street Journal you might have seen this article that talks about how 11 physicians met to discuss if it was cost effective to continue for the state to pay for children with diabetes to receive test strips enough to check their BGL more than once per day. My children get their health coverage from a state program called Apple Health for Kids.  We actually (almost) experienced first hand what this could be like for families.  Each year, we go through a re-evaluation to determine if our children are still eligible to receive benefits through this program.  February was our month to be evaluated for 2011.  When they reinstated our benefits, they put in April 2011-March 2012, leaving out March 2011.  Imagine my horror when I open a letter from our insurance company (Columbia United Providers) telling me that the claims pending for Bekah's endo visit and pharmacy needs were denied.  I called and was treated very poorly (a first for me in dealing with CUP) by the woman who answered the phone.  She all but called me a liar and told me "they almost NEVER make mistakes at the state level".  Many phone calls later (taking multiple hours of wait time) and I was able to resolve the issue.  We could not get back on CUP until April so I had to used the open coupon to get what we needed for the month of March.  When I called the pharmacy to let them know how to bill for March they called me back saying that the state would only allow 100 blood glucose test strips for 90 days.  I told them the situation and they had our prior-auth on file so  they made the calls necessary to get the test strips that we needed.  (Thankfully I have a few great friends in the DOC that had sent me some strips a few months ago and I was able to tap into those to get us by until the issue was resolved)  It only took a couple of days to get the answers that we needed and got the 300 test strips for March.  I didn't get the open coupon to pay for the blood ketone strips but I have a couple of boxes of those stashed so I chose not to fight it. 

It seems a little scary to me that it was even a question in the state's mind that we would need to be testing Bekah's BGL more than once per day.  It makes me sick to think about having that restriction.  I was ready to write letters and even show up at the door step of whomever I needed to get what I felt was necessary to care for my daughter.  (This cowgirl can play rough if necessary) 

The other thing that was in question at this committee meeting, in regards to children with diabetes, was the coverage of CGMS.  As much as I would love to have a continuous glucose monitoring system for Bekah, I am able to get by with out one and we still see some pretty great numbers and have minimal lows.  A CGMS would help me to detect lows a little before they happen (although Bekah is pretty good at catching them in the 70s)  and maybe be better about catching those high numbers to be able to keep a better glycemic control.  We had a random 430 the other day (I think there must have been a bubble in her tubing) and we could have corrected sooner with a CGMS detecting it.  Her last A1C was 7.2% and I am happy with that although I would love to see it a little lower and a CGMS might help with that.  The committee voted against the coverage of CGMS .  They decided that it doesn't impact the quality of life of a child with diabetes enough to justify the expense.  I think I have to agree.  There are a lot of things that the state needs to spend money on and CGMSs are really not a necessary expense (unlike test strips). 

Since a CGMS is something we will have to pay out of pocket for, I have done some research and decided to put my money aside for a DAD instead.  A diabetes alert dog is an investment that I am excited to make.  We had a Siberian husky for almost 11 years.  Dakota died just a few days before David was born.  It has been 2 years and I think it is time to get another dog and why not a DAD.  There are many programs out there and our family has decided to go with Warren Retrievers.  I have talked with the owner, Dan Warren, multiple times and his method seems to be top notch and very family oriented.  It's not a cheap endeavor but I think would be similar to a CGMS out of pocket over 3 years or so. (If you decided to get one too and go through Warren, tell them I sent you)

It's not the best picture of our beautiful Dakota but here you can see her ready to play

How do you like them apps?

My husband is a programmer by trade.  In trying to figure out how to keep up with the times and also help the T1 community, he has taught himself how to make phone apps.  He built one for calculating insulin doses and is charging 99 cents with the proceeds going to help us obtain our goal of getting a diabetes alert dog. 

He would like to make more apps to help the T1 community in particular.  If there is anything that you would like to see in a phone app please leave a comment and let me know.  It doesn't have to be for T1, just anything that you have not seen out there but think is a great idea. For now he is only building for the android market. 

Here is his description and screen shots:   (keep it simple is his motto)  If you happen to use this app, feed back is welcome to be sent to  jasontimm@gmail.com   phone app in the subject

This app helps you determine the correct amount of insulin units for a particular meal. You can either just enter carbs and insulin-to-carb ratio, or you can also enter data to correct for high or low blood glucose levels. It is simple and easy to use.

My daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes last year and we needed a tool just like this, so I decided to make one and offer it to you. Proceeds from this app will go to help us get a Diabetes Alert Service Dog for my daughter.

A recap of the past couple of weeks...

It has been an amazing couple of weeks in my little world.  In some ways I wish I could live them all over again.  For those of you that are faithful followers, thanks for keeping up with me over the last couple of weeks as my blog exploded with a new post everyday (almost).  For those of you who just peek in from time to time, I wanted to give you a recap of the past couple of weeks.  There have been some amazing guest posts that you don't want to miss and just all around fun.

It all started on the first of March with an announcement for a giveaway (won by Joanne) and declaration that Bekah's dia-versary was coming up in a week.  I then had guest posts from my sister who gave an aunt's perspective on T1D and Bekah's dx.  She says "I have seen so much strength in my niece it brings me to tears.  I have seen my sister go through a nightmare moms never want to go through.  I think about them every night as I kiss my kids goodnight knowing that a nightmare or very sick kid is the only thing that will interrupt my sleep and meanwhile 120 miles away my sister is doing the same thing only she will be interrupted by nightly checks not knowing what the monitor will read at 3am.  Then get up in the morning with all 4 of her kids and start again."

Day 2 was a guest post from my daughter Megan. As she talked about what it's like to have a diabetic sister, she said, "I cant change what happened and why would I, if this would have never happened i wouldn’t know how much I love my sister and how much I need her even though im the older one."
 
My niece did a post for day three.  She and Bekah are BFFs.  Makaila shared a word from the cousin, stating "This year having a cousin with diabetes I have learned when you have diabetes you have to have shots, and at first your cousin having diabetes is a little scary but you get used to it and lots of times I even forget she has it."

 The next day, one of my longest running friendships was displayed.  As one of my closest and dearest friends shared her thoughts on T1D, she said "I've watched my dearest and closest friend go through more than I can even imagine going through as a Mama. I've watched her strength grow stronger and stronger with each day that T1D is in her life and the life of her family. I've watched her become a hero to her daughter and witnessed the undying love a mother has for her child. Its one thing to talk about the love a parent has for her child, quite another to witness it in the eye of a storm."

My 16 year old son, Josh was next to share.  As her brother recalled what the last year has been like along with Bekah's dx, he simply said "I remember everyone was really worried about Bekah"

My sweet husband was the last of the guest posts.  As Daddy chimed in, he said, "I am a better person through it all.  And so is the rest of my family.  I hope that in small and big ways we will go on to encourage others in similar situations.  I hope that we can give courage to those with fears, hope to those that feel they and the ones they love have been dealt a blow, and inspiration to others as we rely on God to take us through each and every day.  And most of all, I see now more than ever that each day is a gift we are given and the value of our lives depend on what we do with that gift.  Cherish every day you have to share with your spouse and your children as it is more valuable than anything else in this life."

March 8th is our day to celebrate God's grace every year.  I believe that God wants life to be fun and He wants us to experience joy.  There certainly are times to mourn but then we need to get back up and dust ourselves off and squeeze the joy out of life.  We had a party for Bekah, complete with balloons, pizza, cupcakes and a huge banner made and donated by a very talented friend.  The best part about the party was we were surrounded by some of our favorite people as they stepped out of their busy lives to be with us that night to celebrate our girl and God's amazing grace! 

At the party we collected stuffed animals to donate to the pediatric ER (where Bekah was first admitted) at our local hospital.  She received a stuffed animal on dx day.  It was so scary to go from the doctor's office to the ER and be poked and prodded, it really helped her to have a friend.   This is a tradition we will keep up.  We will celebrate, although probably not as big every year, and we will take new stuffed animals over to the hospital to give back what blessed us so much. 

Here Bekah is sitting on the couch at my parents' house surrounded by all of the animals that we were taking to donate

Here is Bekah in the volunteer room holding her donation (one of my sisters had stayed in town becuase she and her kids rode the train so they got to come with us)

Friday (March 11), Josh turned 16.  It's still a little surreal for me to think about having a 16 year old.  I certainly don't feel old enough to have a child this old.  He was adamant about going out for dinner on the actual day that he was born 16 years ago.  Bekah had a rehearsal for the fashion show she was to be in the next day so I arranged for a friend to take her and we went out to dinner with out her.  I feel a little guilty admitting it was the most relaxed family dinner I have had (in about a year).  I would start to count carbs and then remembered, the pancreas was off duty that night.   You can read all about the fashion show here and I will leave you with a final picture, taken by our friend at the rehearsal.

A fashion show for camp...

The camp that Bekah will attend this summer, Gales Creek Camp had a fundraiser fashion show this weekend.  American Girl fashions were the product being modeled.  Friday night was rehearsal and Saturday was the show.  (and Sunday but we weren't a part of that show) We headed over to P-town to an upscale mall at 7:30AM and got home at 6:30 PM.  It was a fun filled event.  My mom had Jason drive her over because she hates Portland traffic and she bought tickets for him and which ever of our kids that wanted to go.  You'll be impressed to know that Josh was the only 16 year old boy in attendance becuase he wanted to support his sister (I love my son).  I hung out back stage (two stores down), along with David, to help Bekah and let my family watch the show.  There were actually 2 shows one at 10 AM and the other at 3 PM.  I was very impressed at how well this event went.  There were prizes and little lunches complete with cute little pink cupcakes. 

I peeked my head in after escorting the girls down two stores to the stage to watch my sweet little girl, strut her stuff.  As I was standing there I saw one of the volunteers (an older camper or counselor from GCC) walk over, a little shaky to grab a drink.  I knew as I watched that she was low. She had that look and her hands were shaky.  I saw that she was a little flustered at the drink choice and then noticed that she had in her hand a light lemonade.  I walked over and quietly asked if she was low and said, "that's not going to do the trick let me go grab you a juice." (she was very thankful)  I stood at the door for a second and watched Bekah walk out on the stage and then as she got to the other side I dashed two stores down to our stuff and grabbed a juice box and then ran it back over to get that girl the boost that she needed.  Woohoo juice box to the rescue!!  (she told me, it was the one thing she had forgotten that morning but had been running high so she didn't think she would go low)

The girls didn't get to keep their clothes but did get a little prize bag that included a paper doll set.  They also did a drawing for a few items and Bekah got a couple of little t-shirts for Bitty baby.  

Now here is a quick video of my sweet little bunny, strutting her stuff and a few pics of the event. 



Most of the pictures, I got backstage with my camera but Jason got the video and last two shots with our camera.

First show was satin nighty with out the robe

mom had to get pics of the robe just for kicks

During the break between shows we went for a walk to get some fresh air. four of these girls will all be attending GCC during the same week this summer

for the second show she got to wear the robe and got her hair done by some college girls that were there to volunteer

the finale, all of the girls came out and sang a song

Sweet 16...

My dearest Joshua,

How did you get to be 16 so quickly?  It feels like just yesterday that I was carrying you (10 days late) in my belly thinking I would never get to meet you.  Yours was my most difficult birth.  Laboring for literally days, pushing for hour after hour until finally the doc decided you were stuck.  They wheeled me back for a c-section where I felt the burn of every incision.  The anesthesiologist threatened to send Daddy out and put me all the way under but I begged him to let me hear you cry first.   I felt like I was fighting for your life ( I wasn't, you were fine but I was scared).  As soon as I heard your beautiful cry and knew that Daddy was with you, I said ok and I went to sleep.  Daddy was amazing and fought the nurses who wanted to give you a bottle before I woke up.  He would not let any of our family peek at you even though they had been at the hospital all day and night and it was now the wee hours of the next morning until I woke up and saw your beautiful face first. 

You have been my pioneer.  The first one to teach me how to parent.  You have been resilient as I have made far more mistakes than I care to admit.  You are growing in to such an incredible young man.  You are becoming more responsible and have your Daddy's kind heart.  You are an amazing big brother and I think that all of your siblings are blessed to have you to look up to.  I am proud of you son!  I love you!

Happy Birthday Joshua!

the waves keep on comming...

Monday morning, March 7th, I woke up like a usual Monday morning.  Why does 6:30 feel so early on Mondays?  I quickly checked FB and blogger and then went to wake the girls up.  I went down stairs and made Bekah's lunch and got my coffee.  I was then setting the table up for Bekah.  (she likes to be independent but I still have to have things set out for her or she gets stressed out)  I set her lunch to the left and placed her daily BG log in the middle with a pen and her meter sat just off to the right.  That is when it hit me like a tidal wave!  It was this Monday a year ago that we were setting the table for a tea party.  Getting ready to celebrate a friend's birthday.  It was about this time on a Monday (her actual dx day is tomorrow but there is something about the day of the week that hit me hard) that I took this photo.  

I never thought I would be brave enough to share this photo.  This photo depicts the ugliness of diabetes as it has emaciated my beautiful daughter.  This picture rarely leaves me, it is ingrained in my head.  It puts a lump in my throat and knot in my stomach every time I look at it.  Look at how sick she was, the pale face, sunken eyes and you can see her bones sticking out of her skin.  How does a mother let this happen?  Oh the fear and the blame, the guilt and the grief overtook me!  I was able to choke back the tears until I got the girls to school.  I know that letting my self feel the grief is what is going to set me free from it.

These are usually the photos that I share when I talk about "that day"...

The photo is of Bekah and one of Nicole's (my friend that shared a guest post) daughters.  I wanted to do something special for her birthday becuase having baby triplet sisters is tough work and she is a great big sister who just needed some special princess time.  Bekah was so cold she had to wear a sweatshirt over her dress.  You can see how pale she is but she is still happy...the subtle ways of D.

So again a wave comes and goes and I feel stronger becuase I let it run it course and didn't fight against it or push it away.  Yes there is joy coming as I pause and thank God once again for giving us a second chance, for the privilege of  counting carbs and bolusing insulin day after day to keep my precious one healthy and happy!  The joy comes in being thankful, but we do need to let ourselves feel the grief.  One, two, five, ten years in there will still be waves of grief and I hope I will remember that feeling them is what will help me grow and then take the time to pause and thank God yet again for his magnificent grace so that I can let the joy back in.

This song really sums up my heart.

Party Time!!

Oh my heart is so full right now!  I just came home from Bekah's dia-versary party and it was absolutely amazing!!  Megan was my photographer for the evening and she did a great job getting shots of the fun.  I will let the pictures speak for themselves (mostly).  Actually why don't you come skadoo (sorry David is really in to Blues Clues right now) with me into the pictures and we can party together all over again...

  This was the first place went ventured to about 3 weeks after dx.  I remember it feeling so awkward like taking your first newborn out for the very first time.  I thought it only appropriate to celebrate here.

The banner

 

 Bekah and her best bud

 Amazing dia-buddies (I seriously don't know where I'd be with out this amazing lady and her sweet girl)

My nephew

Jaosn's sister (yes she is only a year older than Josh)

Jason's mom (not really fair having a mother-in-law that is so gorgeous)

a good friend

My parents (aren't the adorable)

Best dia-buddy who Bekah is going to camp with this summer and going to be in the fashion show with this weekend

Our amazing, absolutely amazing (did I say amazing?) CDE I love this gal so much! 

Good friends

their beautiful daughter

Yay for cousins

nom nom cupcakes and pizza

My sister Tammi and her little guy (she surprised me and rode the train down, I cried when I saw her)

my niece

My other sister, Polli and her BFF (who is like a third sister to me)

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My grandma (isn't she gorgeous)  she tells everyone her age is an unlisted number (she is 87 I think)

a great friend

Jason's dad and other sister (she has two beautiful daughters who couldn't come with her becuase they go to bed early)

What a fun party!!  God is good!