Today marks the 3 month anniversary of the worst day of my life and the day that Bekah was diagnosed with T1. The last 3 months have taught me so much!
I have learned so much about T1 and how the body functions in regard to processing food. 3 months ago I would have given you a deer- in- the- headlights look if you would have asked me about Islets of Langerhans and had only heard the term Beta cell in passing. Now it's our life. I even know what a pancreas looks like! 3 months ago I never gave a second thought to numbers and now I live in the world of numbers and ratios and carb counting.
I have learned to be even more compassionate as I watch Bekah push past fears to get her insulin. Sometimes she does great and other times there are tears. I hate the tears they make me cry. Sometimes though she is just a little stubborn and does everything she can think of to procrastinate a shot or finger prick. This is where the learned compassion has come in. I have to be firm but still compassionate. It's a different kind of compassion. She is a very sensitive little girl so there is a very fine line for her between firm and hurting her feelings. The balance can be tricky. I have to put everything else that I have going on at the time aside (not easy for a mother of 4) and focus, really focus on Bekah.
I have to be honest and say that I have lost myself a little in the headlights of Diabetes. I am one to always put my family and their needs first. With T1 the needs are constant and I leave little room for my self. The way that I cope with stress is to eat. I comfort myself with food. Not good. It leads to weight gain and feeling crappy about myself and I spiral down to a bad place. This week I realized that I need to find myself again in the mess of D and busy toddler season that David is in. I need to do it for my kids. I know I will be a better mom if I can find my passions and press into them a little. My passions are really mostly my family so it may take some work to find. I want set a good example for my kids to see that life is full of joy, D or no D. That we don't sit around and wallow in our stress and eat ourselves in to oblivion but we get out and experience all that life has to offer. I have always believed in living life to the fullest!
The most important lesson for me in all of this has been that I don't have the answers. I have always known that but wanted to be self sufficient. I have leaned on God to get through tough times in the past but not like this. This is a daily climb back up in Papa's lap and let Him really lead the day. In the past I have tried to convince myself I was letting God lead but really my own agenda was always getting in the way. I've got nothing and He has everything. I need to come to him daily, sometimes hourly and sometimes even more often and let Him fill me up. I have a constant dialog going on with Him in my head and this is not a new thing for me. My words have changed and I just sit in His presence more often now. I used to feel like my day needed to be spent in constant prayer for others. D has emptied me so much that first and foremost I need to sit at my Daddy's feet and let Him give me all that I need and then take the time to bring others before Him.
God tells us in His word to be thankful for everything. I am not at the place where I am thankful for T1D, although I am at the place where I am thankful for the lessons that I am just beginning to learn and the way that I am changing because I love and live with a child who has Juvenile Diabetes.
(I didn't want to write a separate blog for this one so forgive the skipping around) On another note, Bekah had her very first appointment with her endocrinologist yesterday. Her doc is amazing! She talked to Bekah not at her and included her in all of the conversation, as much as Bekah would allow anyway (she is quite shy).
Bekah's A1C was 7.6!! (to me that was a huge accomplishment when 3 months ago she was at 15.1)
In the last 3 months she has gained back the 14 pounds that she lost and grew an inch. It feels so good to have my healthy girl back! My sister just mentioned the other day, "wow, Bekah looks so good!" Yes she does. It is hard to see on a daily basis as a child's health declines or increases because the changes are so subtle.
We talked a bit about starting the pumping process. I'm not ready to add the newness just yet. I want summer to be a little more relaxing and trying to learn something new will, I think, add more stress. We were given the go ahead to schedule a pump class to find out more info. Bekah will be the one to make the final decision. She is open to the idea. For now though MDI is working for us.