Sunday, February 27, 2011

Some things make having diabetes fun...

This weekend we got to experience the fun side of diabetes.  The camp that Bekah will go to this summer is called Gales Creek.  They are having an American Girl fashion show as a fund raiser.  Bekah will be a model in the show.  Saturday we loaded up a van full of girls and went over to P-town for a fitting.  Bekah tried on the bitty twins nighty and the Rebecca night wear ensemble.  We won't know until the dress rehearsal which she will actually be wearing.  We are excited and I will blog about the whole experience. =)

Sunday we got to go over to Children's Healing Art Project also known as CHAP in P-town again and had a blast!  We also had a D-meet up with Denise (I only had my phone so she got the actual pics of our IRL meet up.  Watch her blog I'm sure she will post about the experience as well.)  I only took the girls becuase David has a bad cold.  We had so much fun!  My girls LOVE art!  They made collages and name tags, they got to paint a t-shirt and also created food pictures to be hung in a local P-town (my slang for Portland) restaurant. Denise has a beautiful family!  She is just as cool and fun IRL as she comes across on her blog.  When we saw each other becuase we follow each other's blogs and FB posts it was like we had pretty much known each other for years.  She is easy to talk to and I hope we get to see more of each other in the future.  Thanks again for in the invite to CHAP Denise!


You never know when someone will get it...

I was sitting at the makeup counter at our local Macy's chatting up the small talk or not so small talk with the makeup lady as she gave me a mini facial.  My husband had given me a little money to go buy some new makeup.  I have super sensitive skin along with rosacea and have found that Origins cosmetics are the only ones that do not irritate my skin.  It is not cheap stuff so I have a lot of no makeup days to stretch it out.  I told her that I just felt like I needed a fresh look becuase I couldn't remember when I had worn makeup in the last year.  Makeup and hair ladies must be a little like bar tenders, you just open up and spew your life story while you sit with them.  I told her it had been a stressful year.  Then I could feel it welling up, do I tell her about D?? I have learned that in public it's not a good idea to bring up the D word.  People don't get it and I don't want to insult their intelligence by berating them with facts on the differences between T1 and T2. Plus I get so irritated at their lack of understanding (it really is not their fault as the media portrays only T2 and lumps D together in one basket). So I take a different rout of letting her know what I have been dealing with.  "One of my children was diagnosed with a chronic illness,"  I inform her.  She is still listening so I give her a bit more,  "it's an autoimmune condition that is very difficult to manage."  I can see the empathy on her face as she says, "my manager has been through something similar with her daughter, she gets little sleep and has to take calls from the school and from what I can tell it is just difficult, always battling insurance and such.  What is it called that your daughter has?"  I take a deep breath and quickly, making sure to emphasize the T1, blurt out, "type one diabetes" Her eyes light up, "that is exactly what my manager's daughter has"  and I didn't need to say anymore as she continued to pampered me, she went on about how her manger has such a hard time getting people to understand becuase everybody thinks diabetes is just diabetes and that she fed her daughter too much junk food. It was actually kind of interesting becuase she then felt safe telling me her woes and I got to be the listener and hear some of her life story.  It was a nice change and I did not feel dumped on, it was kind of like an old friend because she was one of the few people out there that has taken time to understand the world of T1D. 

In celebration of wearing make-up again.  (I'm not vain until a camera is near) I had a mommy and me photo shoot done with David.  (I had to use the last punches for free pictures on my portrait club membership before the end of Feb) I have some mommy and me photos of Josh and I when he was about David's age so I thought that would be fun and Bekah was with us so we got her in on the action.  (these are photos of photos so I apologize for the quality) What you don't see here is after the photo session while we were viewing the pictures Bekah felt low and checked her BG (47) and ended up laying on the floor (dirty floor) because she couldn't sit up any longer.  I got down on the floor with her and just held her until her BG level came back up (I did not care what anybody was thinking or had to say). Darn D tried to ruin the fun!  

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I bit my tongue...

Wednesday I decided to tackle all of my errands in one day because snow threatened the PNW late Wed and Thursday.  For those of you in the rest of the country, you can get a good belly laugh from this. Even though we are in the northern US, we rarely get snow here in Washington.  Life literally comes to a screeching halt when the snow begins to fall.  Those that are crazy enough to get out there and drive in it usually don't know what they are doing so it's not a safe situation.  I usually do one or two errands a day because David hates being in the car and carted in and out of stores.  I also don't want to be in such a rush that I get annoyed at a call from the school.  I crossed my fingers and hit the road...

First stop was at the consignment store for a drop off.  While they looked through my goods to determine which they would purchase, I looked around.  Score!  I found a pair of new in the box See Kai Run shoes in David's size for only $14.99 and I happened to have $17 in credit.  Suweet!  For those that don't know of the amazingness of See Kai Runs I will post a picture and you can click on the name to link to their website.  

Next was a stop at the school to give Bekah her lunch bolus and drop off extra snacks.  It was her usual PE day so I adjusted her basal rate while I was there.  ( I go in each week and about an hour prior to PE lower her basal by 50%- so far it is working for us, for now any way)

Then to the post office to send out the very late Valentine's to our FB T1 hangout group.  Next on the list was Target for a mystery script and diapers.  (I have all of Bekah's prescriptions set up on automatic refill and I never know which one is going to pop up when. I just get a random call that something has been filled)  This time it happened to be the blood ketone strips.

After Target and before we went to get groceries, David and I shared a $5 foot long at Subway.  While we were at Subway, these two teen age girls came in and sat down at the next table over from ours.  I was not trying to eves drop and it was not my business but this is what I heard. 

Girl A to girl B "wow you have lost a lot of weight"
Girl B, "yeah a few weeks ago I just started loosing and I still eat a TON"
Girl B, "I am super thirsty all of the time too"

I tried to mind my own business but could not help noticing that girl B got up to refill her cup 3 times and used the bathroom twice in the less than 20 minutes that I sat there.  She looked almost frail.  I know that frail look.  I wanted to jump up and scream "get to the doctor as fast as you can" or pull the glucometer out of my purse and check her BG level.  I did not.  I bit my tongue.  I said a prayer for this girl and hope that she gets the medical attention that she needs quickly. 

What is the right response in these situations?  It's not my business but that girl could go in to a coma in less than 24 hours and even die if she is in fact diabetic and does not get insulin soon.  I am not a doctor and I know I do not like when some one thinks they know-it-all and is all up in my face with their knowledge (and I am not a teenager, I'm sure a teen would object even more so). 

*big sigh*

What would you have done?  I'm still a newbie in the D game and I hope I did the right thing.  My heart has been heavy ever since the encounter and I have had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I hope it all turns out ok.  Then again it may been nothing.  I tend to jump quickly.  If any of my neices of nephews is looking a bit skinny or seems super thirsty I am pretty quick to suggest to my sisters to do a BG check.  I'm sure they appreciate the concern but at the same time are a bit annoyed at my ability to only see zebras among the horses. 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Epic fail...

I woke up Friday morning feeling like I got hit by a truck.  Where did this cold come from??  I can't get sick, I have a big date with my hubby this weekend.  I stumble in to the girls room and wake them up and then hobble (I twisted my knee weird doing Just Dance a few days back) downstairs.  Ah yes coffee is just what the doctor ordered.  I am taking in the beautiful aroma (yes I do love my coffee) as I watch it brew when I hear a little pitter patter coming towards me.  I brace myself (David can be one moody dude, if he is in a good mood when he gets up then life is good otherwise it is not) and then see the big smile on his face as he rounds the corner.  I get a big hug and then he starts, "I need mommy milk" (I am still nursing him)  I reply, "Ok buddy, I just need to make sister's lunch first."  He did not like my answer and proceeded to melt on the floor in a screaming puddle. (so much for the good mood) My throbbing head felt as if it were going to now explode.  I quickly get the lunch made and carb counts attached and set it on the table for Bekah.  I sat down in the chair and began to nurse David (if he had no teeth I would have just nursed him standing up while I made the lunch but this little guy has put too many teeth marks in my breast tissue to trust him not to try and hang on by a tooth- sorry if that was TMI)

Bekah is busy going about her business and seems to be in a bit of a mood herself.  She checks her sugar and hands me the meter so I can bolus for her breakfast.  236!  She must be getting sick too.  Note to self to watch the fasting numbers for 3 more days and check her night basals again.  I correct and bolus for 15g carb.  Lately she has had a thing for eating organic animal crackers for breakfast (yes I know it's not the healthiest breakfast but it gets something in her system and is far easier on her BG than cereal and milk.  I try to avoid food battles especially in the morning.)  She finishes her business  of calculating her lunch and writing it all down, putting her meter in a purse etc. (she insists on doing these things so I just let her) and I finish nursing David and off to school we go. 

I have kind of let myself go a bit over this past year.  I have only gotten my hair cut once and that was a spur of the moment thing when I was at JC Penney one day (cut only).  I have a friend of a friend that works at a nice salon who usually does my hair and she gives me an affordable price for a cut and weave.  (I get the family rate)  My mom and Dad gave me a gift card to get my hair done for Christmas.  It's about 3 hours where I can't be readily available for Bekah so I have been hesitant to go.  I decided to be brave and made the appointment.  Friday was my hair day.  I took a ton of vitamin C and some tylenol and went off to my hair appt.  I no sooner sat down in the chair when I get a text from Bekah's teacher "she just told me she felt low...91 so I gave her a fruit leather and sent her out to recess"  I text back "She is usually spikes after breakfast ...a fruit leather should hold her but if she is still hungry give her a cheese stick"  and then I went over the morning in my head.  I had never seen her actually eat her breakfast (this is never a problem, Bekah is a very compliant child and unless she forgot for some reason would have eaten every carb I bolused her for) teacher texts back "I just thought that was an odd number for this time of day"  (Bekah is rarely under 200 at her first morning check which is not quite at 2 hours post prandial)  Can I just say that I love this woman!  Some people might think she was all up in their business but I love that she is so acutely aware of Bekah's BG trends and what is out of the norm.  I text the teacher back with "I am freaking out a bit now because I don't think she ate her breakfast, have her recheck when she comes in"  That few minutes felt like an eternity and I felt like I wanted to RUN to her school to make sure all was ok.  By this time I had foil all over my head, I was either going to have to risk going bald or just sit tight.  (I am not as vain as this post may sound and my daughter's well being is so much more important than my hair) I sat tight and got a text back "she said she doesn't remember eating breakfast and is now at 130...should I give her more snack?  or just cheese?"  Sigh of relief and text, "cheese should be fine" back to teacher.  (the not eating breakfast was just a total slip up on both of our parts)

I rarely get calls or texts from her teacher but each time I try to cut one more string and go back to something that used to be normal and no big deal that is when I can count on something.  Costco always brings in at least one text or call and I found out that hair appts bring on 3.  I got a call later because the teacher thought she accidentally canceled the lunch bolus and then another text as someone had brought in dum-dum suckers to lick 100 times for the 100th day and could she have one.  When I am home and just 3 minutes from the school, I get crickets.  It's just that darn Mr. Murphy I guess, seems like he and Mr.D are good buddies. 

I am still reeling.  I can't believe I let her go to school with out her breakfast!  Yes I am a busy mom who felt lousy that morning but my daughter's life depends on me doing my job.  It doesn't matter how crappy I feel I don't have the luxury of a break.  It could have been a VERY bad situation.  I am so glad she started her morning with a 236.  I'd like to believe an angel snuck her some carbs in the night, knowing what was going to happen or whispered in her ear before things got bad that she needed to eat something.  I'm just glad that God was watching over her and didn't let anything bad happen. 

...and my hair turned out great...(I grabbed a couple of quick photos with my phone while I was holding a sleeping David)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Soul Surfer

Last night, I was invited to attend a preview screening of the movie, "Soul Surfer", that comes out in theaters on April 8th.  "Soul Surfer" is the story of Bethany Hamilton, a teen surfer who was heading toward  a pro career when she was attacked by a shark and lost one of her arms. 

The movie is the story of how Bethany and her family faced this trial and through their faith in Jesus, got back up again.

Helen Hunt plays Bethany's mother. As I watched this story unfold, there were so many parallels that I found in my own life as I have faced the dx of T1D in my daughter. Bekah didn't lose her arm in a shark attack and is not a surfer but she did lose the main function of her pancreas due to her own body's attack on itself and life as we knew it before, will never be the same. I bawled like a baby as I watched the ambulance carry Bethany to the hospital and her mom praying to God "please don't take her". There were so many phrases that Helen Hunt said in the movie that resonated with me as I have faced this past year and a new normal in our lives, in fact many of them I have said or thought myself. 

There is a scene in the hospital cafeteria where you can see the struggle in Bethany's older brother that is so much my own son Joshua and how he has dealt with Bekah's dx and our new normal. Bethany's determination and fight, remind me a bit of Bekah. Bekah won't let me do a lot of her care because she is determined to do it herself. The strength the movie portrays Bethany as having, reminds me of Bekah and her strength and determination.

I don't want to give away the whole movie but I do encourage you to go see it and if you can, go to the opening weekend on April 8th. This is a beautiful movie that has an inspiring story and is appropriate for pretty much all ages. There is no gore or swearing and even the beach scenes are done modestly. Unlike a lot of movies with a Christian theme to them, this movie is not cheesy. If you are not a Bible thumping, Jesus lover, like me, I think you will still take away so much from this movie.  Here is the trailer:

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I finally got brave and headed tot he mall while Bekah was at school.  I had to get David's 2 year photos done.  It had been a year since I had studio photos taken of my little man.  Things have been going well at school, there was not a sub so I figured it would be ok.  I venture to the grocery store and to Target (our pharmacy) and even Costco but the idea of the mall with out Bekah has been ominous.  I decided it was time to cut one more string and go.  We got the photos taken.  David who is usually animated was very mellow (better than crying I guess).  As I was choosing which ones to purchase, a text comes though on my phone.  I check my phone because I wasn't sure who it  would be.  It was Bekah's teacher, her pump was alarming with a low battery.  We are still new to pumping and I wasn't sure how long I had to get to her and get it changed so we left the picture guy in a rush.  It took almost 30 minutes by the time I got David packed up and to the car and drove to the school.  By the time I got the battery changed and Bekah all set, there was not enough time to go back before school got out.  I went back the next morning to pick up the photos.  (they didn't give me a link to show you the online web versions of them so I took a picture of the one I bought with my phone)  Sorry for the horrible quality, phone pics are bad enough but a pic of a picture is even worse. 

Bekah had to have her annual blood work done this week.  Megan was adamant that she go with.  Friday, Bekah's teacher was not going to be at school and the back up in the room next to her was going to be gone as well so we decided to have some girl time which included stopping by the clinic for a blood draw.  We have a favorite lab tech/phlebotomist that has done all of Megan's blood draws.  We were excited to see that Miss Penny (not her real name) was working.  Bekah cried at first becuase last year, the IVs they had to place in her dehydrated body was a bit traumatic.  Megan held her hand and once the needle was placed, the tears stopped.  As we walked out of the clinic Bekah said, "that was not that bad".  Then we went to Starbucks for a skinny caramel macchiato for me and donuts for the girls.  I'm so proud of my brave girl and Megan gets the award for being a great big sister!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

2 years...

Two years ago today, my belly was swollen with a babe inside at 37 weeks, 2 days gestation.  I had tossed and turned all night as the waves of pressure and pain kept me from slumber. The baby, a boy, was scheduled to arrive in 10 days via Cesarean so I was thinking this must just be pre-labor.  It was going to be a loooong 10 days. I got out of bed finally surrendering the idea of any sleep and ran a bath.  After the bath there was some pink left on the toilet paper and I just knew what that meant.  Of my four pregnancies, I had only labored once before, 14 years prior with my oldest.  This felt vaguely familiar.  I don't consider myself to be superstitious but until that day, I did kind of like to avoid 13s.  This was in fact Friday the 13th.  While I didn't avoid life on that day every time it popped up, I always did walk a bit more cautiously.  If I could have picked the day for my baby to come this would not have been it.  I decided that this was God's attempt a humor as He showed me that Friday the 13th was not an unlucky day but one of the luckiest I would ever know as I got to look into the beautiful eyes of my handsome son, David, for the first time that day. 

What a joy this boy, my little surprise caboose, born on February 13, 2009,  has added to our lives!

David @ 2 weeks
 He is one month old here.  It is one of my all time favorite photos of David.  His hair had a mind of it's own and we got comments on it everywhere we went.  I <3 his hair!

His smile lights up my world (2.5 months old here)
3 months old here- don't those eyes just melt your heart

Oh my goodness I could just eat him up! Check out those yummy thighs (6 months here)

Be still my heart (1 yr old)

Where oh where does the time go?18months old

(What you don't see in the video is that the pillow on the floor has no pillow case because earlier that day he climbed up on my bed nudie and peed on it.  At not even two I didn't consider this naughty and just picked him up and placed him on the toilet gently reminding him that is where pee goes. The stain on the bed skirt got there form a coke spilling one time when I was sick, I can't seem to get the stain out and replacing the bed skirt has not been a priority)

Today we celebrate you turning two, my little man.  You have grown past babyhood so fast.  You are merely two years old and ready to take on the world.  You love people and have a contagious zest for life!  Your strong will is sure to be an asset as you mature in to the leader that I know God has destined for you to be.  As for now that strong will and I are trying to make peace.  You are loved so much my precious boy!

Happy Birthday David!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Pleasantly surprised...

Today, exactly 11 months after Bekah's dx was our 3rd endo appt.  After all of the sicknesses (mostly little colds but those still wreak havoc on BG levels), growth spurts, postprandial  hyperglycemia (after breakfast) and what I suspect is a bit of dawn phenomenon , I knew that the 6.8% on the last A1C was history.  I went through her meter readings and her 90 day average was 192.  Not good.  I went over her numbers with a fine tooth comb.  I am not OCD about much but when it comes to Bekah's care I am a little (ok a lot) anal retentive.  I decided to get brave and work on those overnight basals.  I kept checking back over her 90 average to see what her A1C should be.  I had myself very prepared for an 8.2%.  My self talk in the car on the way over to the endo's office was, "It's just a number, you tell Bekah there are not bad numbers, they are just information to tell us what the next step is, we probably need to make some changes and this will tell us..." (yes I had an extra cup off coffee this morning and my head was one big run-on sentence.)  I also have to say that I read blogs of not just D-moms but PWD too and I appreciate their perspectives on A1Cs, that not every number will be perfect and it's ok. 

(Please note this is me being critical of myself as a pancreas, if you or your child have an A1C of an 8,9, 10 etc.  I am not judging you or think you are doing a poor job as a pancreas.  We are all doing our best given our circumstances.  I think we are all our own worst critic so please don't take this as my being judgmental of anyone except myself)

We did all of the paperwork, weight, height etc.  A1C in the machine and wait in the office for our endo to come in with the news...I am bracing myself.  I didn't get much sleep due to an obnoxious dog in our neighborhood that barked nonstop all night.  When I am tired I cry at the silliest things.  I cry at Halmark commercials on a good day with a full night of sleep so I was afraid that I was a goner.  I did not want to cry in front of Bekah or her doctor.  In walks the doc.  Deep breath!  A little small talk and I said something about an A1C over 8 and she laughed, "your A1C was no where near an 8".  At first I started to panic thinking it must be higher but then she said "7.2%"  I almost fell out of my chair.  Inside I did a happy dance!!  We talked about a few little tweaks that needed to be made and then I mentioned my concerns with David and she suggested the Trialnet study.  I knew exactly what this was as Jason, Josh, Megan and I had all done it last year. 

We went downstairs and took our turn in line for a blood draw.  As we were waiting, a woman with a boy that I am assuming was on the autism spectrum sat down next to me.  Bekah and David were having a great time playing as we waited.  I noticed that this boy was getting rather stressed and not liking the wait time.  I kindly asked his mom if she minded if we traded places in line.  I went to the counter and they were happy to oblige.  We did end up waiting close to an hour or more total but my kids were not having a problem waiting so I didn't mind at all.  When David got his blood drawn, he didn't even flinch.  He just looked at his arm and then looked at the lady drawing his blood and said "ooh".  What a brave boy!  He has a very brave example to look to everyday in his sister.  I will keep you posted on the results.  4-6 weeks is going to seem like a very long time...

I left our endo with a note today that I will share with you:

Dear Dr. H,

I just want to say thank-you!  Thank-you for choosing to go to school to become a doctor and not just a doctor but a pediatric endocrinologist!  It has almost been a year since Rebekah was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes.  In that year you have shared so much of your wisdom and knowledge with us.  I appreciate the way you take something so very complicated and are able to articulate it in layman's terms with out making me feel dumb.  I love your joyful personality, it is contagious and I can tell that you love your job.  Thank-you also for continuing your career after becoming a mom.  I appreciate the sacrifices that your family makes so that you are available for us.  I am so thankful for the attention to detail and loving care that you have given and will continue to give to our family over the years and we feel so very blessed to have you as Rebebkah's endocrinologist. 

11 months ago today...

 Here is a repost of Bekah's diagnosis story...It was 11 month s ago today...

To begin the story of when Bekah was diagnosed with T1D or Type 1 Diabetes (also known as juvenile diabetes) I will take you back to November. I had to take Bekah in to the doctor because she had not passed the hearing screening at her school. It turned out that she just had a wax build up but I did have the doctor check her weight because she was looking quite thin to me. She had grown an inch and lost 3 pounds. She had just had a nasty bout of the stomach flu so I chalked it up to that. When we went in for the retest on her ears she had gained back two of the three pounds therefor my worry was put to rest.

As 2010 went along I kept noticing that Bekah was getting thin but I figured it was because she was growing and was probably going to have a thin build like my mother-in-law. It was just one of those things that makes you go "hmmm" but not something you rush your child to the doctor over. I had noticed that she was having issues making it to the toilet from time to time before wetting herself, not a lot just a couple of occasions and it wasn't like her but again just something that makes you go "hmm" but nothing to be alarmed over. After all she is a busy kindergarten-er and has a lot on her mind. My older kids would get a little busy at that age and forget to "go" on time. The last week in Feb. Bekah got a little droopy (for lack of a better term). Saturday, 2/27 she went to a birthday party and cried in the car on the way home, and then told me her tummy hurt. I figured she was getting sick. Bekah has had very few cold and viruses in her life. No ear infections or reasons to be on antibiotics. Her symptoms from a virus etc are usually just to lay low for a day or so. I'll find her under a blanket on the couch and she tends to have little appetite but wants to drink. It is almost always recommend to drink lots of fluids when you are sick so I never bat an eye at her wanting to drink a lot. This was the case most of the week. While most times she is back up ready to play with in 24hrs, this time she just didn't seem to bounce out if it. She was getting so skinny and now I began to worry. Was she depressed? What happened at that birthday party? Was she anemic? She is drinking a lot, could it be diabetes?... no we don't have any family history that is silly. What about Leukemia, I can't even go there... I wrote emails to both my cousin and my prayer partner (you know the person you go to at any time knowing they will faithfully pray) I will post them here:

To my prayer partner:

I'm worried about Bekah. She has not been herself. She has grown and gotten thin but she seem unusually skinny to me. Maybe because I have had extra padding is why it seem alarming to me. The thing that worries me the most is she doesn't play. She sleeps and then when she gets up she is usually found lying somewhere curled up in a blanket. 6 yr old little girls are supposed to play!! She seems sad. The only thing that keeps coming to mind is that she was at a birthday party last weekend and she cried in the car on the way home and for a while after we got home. I thought maybe she was getting sick. I asked her what happened at the party and she said nothing. She wouldn't tell me why she was crying. She was playing with my niece at my parents house before the party and then after it seemed her demeanor changed. It could be a coincidence that she was coming down with something and has been fighting it off all week. She doesn't get sick. She usually acts like she has been all week for a day and then she perks up and is better. When you talk to Daddy next will you ask Him about her? Let me know what you hear. I don't know if I need to take her to the doc. How long do I let it go with out doing something??

To my cousin on Sunday 3/7/2010:

Please pray for my daughter, Bekah. I'm not sure what it is yet but something is wrong. She has had no energy for over a week. Doesn't want to play. I keep finding her instead of drawing at the table like she used to always do, curled up under a blanket somewhere half asleep. She has gotten extremely skinny too. Her clothes are hanging off of her. I'm calling the doc in the morning. My mommy instinct feels like it's bad. I'm scared.
Every time I turned around she was sleeping on the couch. On Saturday I had a mini melt down. I cried as I held her on the couch, "I feel like I am losing you" (I had no clue then how close I really was to losing her). I took her to Target and the Dollar store to buy some crafts and activities to try to get her to bounce back or snap out of what ever was going on. She could have been a poster child for depression but in my gut I knew it was something bigger. Monday morning I woke up and immediately called the clinic to get Bekah in to see our doctor. I was disappointed to learn that her regular doctor was rounding at the hospital and not seeing patients that whole week. I decided to wait to see her until the following Monday. I was afraid that another doctor wouldn't take me seriously and Bekah doesn't do well with strangers so a different doctor might not be the best idea for her. As part of my plan to help her snap out if the depression we planned a princess tea party for her and a friend as an early birthday celebration for her friend. Bekah perked up a little for the party and then she feel asleep on the couch. I was planning on her going to school. I'm not sure what I was thinking now that I look back. She was practically in a diabetic coma and I was going to send her to school. All day I had been feeling anxious like Bekah really needed to see a doctor and had even called our pediatrician's medical assistant twice to see if our doc would see her, but this was the last straw. I called and got her in at 3:00 with whomever had room. (I found out later that just as I was making that call our regular doctor was making a plan to get Bekah in with her)

Here is what I posted on Face book:

Taking Bekah to the clinic in a few min. She has not been herself. Extremely tired for over a week. She sleeps a lot and never wants to play. You can see how pale she is from the tea party pics.

7 hours later here is what I posted:

I just want to wake up and the nightmare be over. Bekah is in the PICU at Emmanuel right now. She has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I had to make the difficult decision to come home and leave her with Jason because David can't be there and he needs mommy at night. To top it off someone got a hold of our bank... acct number and stole our money. I'm tired and scared but I know God is bigger than this!

Here is what transpired in those seven hours. The doctor that we saw was very kind. My first and biggest concern was her weight. I asked him to look back in her record to see what she weighed in November. She had lost 12 pounds! From 58 down to 46lbs. I knew it was more than just a growth spurt but had no idea she had lost that much. He then did a urine test and a BG test. The meter said "HI". Having had gestational diabetes, I knew that wasn't good. He told us that Bekah had Diabetes and he sent us to the ER. "Don't go anywhere else just straight across the street," he warned. In the ER we were met by some fairly nice nurses. They had a very hard time placing an IV because Bekah was she dehydrated. The 5th time was the winner! It was so hard to watch as she tried to be good but could not help screaming because the pain was so intense. The last nurse to try looked at her and said "your job is to say peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I tell you" Just as she went to poke she gave Bekah the signal and together we yelled, " peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!" and the IV was successfully placed. That became our saying each time she had to have a poke etc. We'd say peanut butter and jelly sandwiches together. (we still do some times)

An ambulance came a few hours later and took us to Portland to Emanuel Children's Hospital to the PICU. As Bekah was being wheeled in to the room I met eyes with a woman in the room. It was one of those moments that you know spans both the physical and spiritual realm. It was as if I knew this lady. I knew I had never met her but I "knew" her. She turned out to be Bekah's nurse and the best nurse we had the entire time. I asked her about David being there. (He was just over a year old and still nursing around the clock) For his safety and I totally understand why, he was not allowed. She did let Jason sneak him back for a little while so I could decide what to do. I couldn't leave Bekah's side. I couldn't leave David either. He would be a mess and I knew that Bekah was with Jason and the angel that God had sent to be her nurse. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life but I knew I needed to go home and regroup. I was a mess. Jason was the stable one who could keep her smiling and all I could do was cry.

It was the longest drive of my life. I kept looking for reasons to turn around or thinking of where we could try to sleep at the hospital. Once I got home I laid David down and began to sob. I felt sorry for myself, Iwent through the huge guilt of "I should have caught this sooner" and "I am her mommy how could I let this happen" etc. I felt sorry for Bekah and the new life she would have to lead. Shots daily seemed so unfair. There were so many fears that I was going to have to face. First of all I have a huge fear of needles, I am a baby when I get shots. Now I was going to have to give them multiple times a day. Jason's best friend from high school was a T1D and he took his own life by overdosing on insulin. I have a fear of what it can do but know it is necessary for Bekah to survive. It was in these moments of despair that I released it all to God. "You are strong where I am weak, I need your strength" (that is the very short version). I laid my head down and slept for an hour or so. It was time to get ready to go back to the hospital. I was ready to face the day anew and dive in to our "new normal" This is our life and I was, still am, determined to make it the best it can be no matter what!

My FB post that morning:

Last night I did the shoulda woulda coulda thing and went through what I ate while preg etc. You moms know the drill. I'm running on an hour or so of sleep but I am ready to face this day and find our new normal. No going back, it is what it is and we will do the best we can with what we have to face. God loves my baby girl more than I do and we will find a way to glorify Him in this!

I took David to my parent's house and couldn't get back to see Bekah fast enough. The amazing nurse we had the night before was no where to be found but what I did see when I walked in to the room sent joy through my whole body. My sweet little angel girl was sitting up in bed eating an egg and cheese omelet. Soon we were out of the PICU and on to the regular floor. We had to share a room but tried to make the best of it. The next step was education so we could manage all of this at home. Overwhelming is an understatement! The next few days were challenging to say the least but I think that is for a different blog.

Friday, February 4, 2011

A time to grieve...

God's word says it so clearly, there is a time for everything under the sun.  My favorite version is the New Living:

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything
 1 For everything there is a season,
      a time for every activity under heaven.
 2 A time to be born and a time to die.
      A time to plant and a time to harvest.
 3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
      A time to tear down and a time to build up.
 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
      A time to grieve and a time to dance.
 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
      A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
 6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
      A time to keep and a time to throw away.
 7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
      A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
 8 A time to love and a time to hate.
      A time for war and a time for peace.

The past year has brought about many emotions, one of them being grief.  Some days I let the waves wash over me and the tears flow and some days I push it away not wanting to "go there".   This past week has been difficult as I look back and recall watching my daughter get sick.  It was about this time last year that my mommy alarm began to ring.  "she is getting so skinny"..."and seems to be really thirsty"...I pushed it away with various different justifications.  I try not to beat myself up and am working still on releasing the guilt.  How does a mother with so much love in her heart for her children, let her little girl get so sick?  I had no clue what was ravaging her body but by the time I took her to the doctor, she was so sick she had to be in ICU.  How did I let that happen?  Guilt is any ugly thing and I don't let it eat away at me but this week I realized that I have not properly dealt with it as I begin to recall where are lives were at a year ago and I see my daughter and I wonder how I missed so much?  This past week has also been hard in learning about so many losses in the T1 community.  I was bumping along almost feeling like I was getting a handle on things, when I heard of not one or two but seven separate losses all being whisked away from this earth from complications of the same disease that landed my daughter in ICU almost a year ago.  Yesterday was the anniversary of a huge loss in the T1 community and it is a difficult thing to think about.  A mother is not supposed to have to think about the reality that her daughter could be 24 hours away from deaths door at all times.  I do feel God's grace and am so very grateful that He chose to spare her life.  March 8th will be a day of celebrating!  Celebrating Bekah's life and that God gave us a second chance and not that we have to but get to measure her food and calculate insulin to carb ratios and basal rates etc.  I have big plans for that day, even a giveaway on my blog so stay tuned but, for today I need that time to grieve.  

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The report card is coming...

It has been just over 4 months since Bekah's last endo appt.  I am nervous as I anticipate the appt next week.  I know I did my best and gave it my all but I am not sure her A1C is going to be under 8%.  With the illness, and growth spurts (and darn pasta) that elevate her BG at night and then the postprandial spikes after breakfast, my best doesn't feel like it's good enough.

I decided to do a basal assessment on her night time basals early this week now that the illness and it's BG effects seem to be gone.  Sunday night, I made sure dinner was on the table early.  I measured every morsel and bolused accordingly. Only I was trying too hard and made a stupid rookie mistake.  (I can't really count it as a rookie mistake because we are almost a year in to this whole thing) I measured a cup of mashed potatoes  (my girl loves her taters) and bolused for 1/2 a cup.  I figured this out when her bedtime BG check revealed a 322.  As I retraced my steps to figure how where the 322 came from, it was like watching your favorite vase falling in slow motion and you try ever so hard to catch it before it crashes on the floor in a zillion pieces. Noooooo!  I couldn't go back so I corrected and waited for another day.  As I did the 12 AM check on Monday night I realized that it would work then because she didn't have a bedtime snack and her numbers were good (and no pasta for dinner so a PPS-post pasta spike was not looming).  According to my results, I adjusted the basal from 3AM until 8AM.  I had the hardest time pressing those buttons to make it go.  3-6 AM is when everyone is sleeping, my husband stays up to do the 3 AM check and then goes to bed.  I know this is going to help those fasting numbers which will then help the rest of the day but it was hard to trust that it was going to really be ok.  This morning she woke up at 115.  I got a great feeling of accomplishment from that.  Tonight I woke up at 2:45 and decided to check in on her to see what was going on,  BG=110.  Those new basals kick in at 3.  Yes that is why I am up right now writing.  My husband needed to get some sleep as he was falling a sleep in the middle of his lesson plans (he is teach a class at our local community college). My trigger finger was getting itchy, I wanted to turn down the basals but then I saw Meri's sweet face smiling at me saying, "it has not been 3 days yet, you can do this just wait it out".  I decided to stay up and recheck in an hour.  So here I am...

It's 4:15 now, it's been over an hour since the last check so here I go to check again...wish me luck (pause)

Ok I'm back, BG=122  (big sigh of relief) to get some sweet slumber for 2 hrs before the day starts

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Proud mommy braggin time...

My oldest, Joshua, is 15 soon to turn 16.  He is in full teenage mode most of the time.  He is a man of few words (you know the grunts, the nods, the shoulder shrugs).  He has his moments both good and bad.  Today I got an email from him.  It's kind of personal and maybe should be kept private but my heart got so big I thought it was going to explode when I read it.  I decided to share it with you...

you don't know how much we care

hey i thought i'd take some time
to tell you that i apreciate you
that your really important
that with out you i'd be lost
i know that its not much but heres a song for you

4 kids how do you do it?
the answer is simple
with love, with love
now its my turn, mom
your beautiful
your amazing
you always take care of us
no matter what

it dosnt matter what anyone thinks
because i know that your special
your worth so much to me
stop crying its ok
were here

4 kids how do you do it?
the answer is simple
with love, with love
now its my turn, mom
your beautiful
your amazing
you always take care of us
no matter what

4 kids how do you do it?
the answer is simple
with love, with love
now its my turn, mom
your beautiful
your amazing
you always take care of us
no matter what

your not treated the way you should be
your more than anyone acknoladges
your everything to us

4 kids how do you do it?
the answer is simple
with love, with love
now its my turn, mom
your beautiful
your amazing
you always take care of us
no matter what

Josh Timm