Control

I thought it would have happened sooner and we have seen bits of this over the past 9 months,but it's in full swing now- Bekah is exerting her need for control.  As a mom this is bitter sweet.  I love that she is finding her voice and putting her foot down.  I love that some spunk is surfacing and because she has a disease that requires fight and some days a hecka lot of it, I love seeing the fight in her coming out. I do however hate the reason that all of this has come to be and hate that she has to deal with the "stuff" that goes along with D. 

Bekah is not being naughty, it's really just normal kid antics but for her is a bit out of the norm.  She doesn't usually rock the boat or question authority and is quiet and dosile most of the time.  What has she been doing, you ask.  It's things like insisting on fruit leather only (and only one at that) for breakfast every morning for the last two weeks.  If I try to sneak in a granola bar she puts it back or make her eggs, she wont eat them (she knows what has carbs and what doesn't).  At first I worried about her BG going low at school but then I made sure her basals were good by letting her sleep extremely late one Saturday morning and if she gets hungry there are cheese sticks in the fridge in her classroom.  Bekah chooses not to eat carbs for an afternoon snack because she doesn't want to do another BG check.  Some nights she sneaks off to bed with out checking her BG first (I just go in an hour later when I know she is sleeping and get the number I need).  She sits with a pouty face in front of her meter in the morning for a loooong time before she will check (I just ignore her).  She hides her meter as it is counting down to the BG number so "it's a surprise".  Bekah locked Jason out in the garage "as a joke" the other night.  She will say no some times when I ask her to do something. Like I said, totally normal kid stuff but knowing her as I do, I know this is not her normal self.  I do believe that D has changed her as much or more than it has changed me so this may be her new normal. Under the need to control, still lies my sweet, kind little girl so I haven't totally lost her but, she is changing. 

I love psychology and watching human behavior and understand that this is not a time to "fight" with my daughter nor are these behaviors that really need to change that much.  As she exerts her need for control she will find who she is.  My best guess (I'm not a psychologist) is that she is searching to find her self in the midst of D and is not ok with D being in control.  If that is the case then I'm just going to sit back and cheer her on.  I have been letting her do more and more self care on her own.  She loves doing the site changes (the insertion part at least) and writing down her numbers and carb counts for lunch on her daily care sheet.  I let her punch in the numbers on her meter when ever she wants to.  It is difficult for me to release the control because by being in control I have a false sense of security and feel like I have the upper hand on D.  I know how it kicks my arse sometimes and I don't ever want her to feel like that.  I am her mommy and I need to take care of her. 

Bekah is older than most of her classmates because with a late July birthday and extremely shy personality, I felt like she would fare better if we waited until she turned six to put her in kindergarten.  It was the best decision ever.  I feel like now, in some ways Bekah is many years ahead maturity wise.   Even though I have seen Bekah do it, I can't wrap my mind around any of the kids in her class giving themselves shots or being keenly aware of carbohydrates in what they are eating.  It's just not normal six and seven year old stuff. 

I wrote this post for a few of reasons, one- it's where we are right now, two- I needed to vent here so I can work through the emotions this brings up with out it impacting my daughter, three- a newly dx family might come across this and realize that the behaviors (their child's need for control) are normal.