Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season,a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
The past year has brought about many emotions, one of them being grief. Some days I let the waves wash over me and the tears flow and some days I push it away not wanting to "go there". This past week has been difficult as I look back and recall watching my daughter get sick. It was about this time last year that my mommy alarm began to ring. "she is getting so skinny"..."and seems to be really thirsty"...I pushed it away with various different justifications. I try not to beat myself up and am working still on releasing the guilt. How does a mother with so much love in her heart for her children, let her little girl get so sick? I had no clue what was ravaging her body but by the time I took her to the doctor, she was so sick she had to be in ICU. How did I let that happen? Guilt is any ugly thing and I don't let it eat away at me but this week I realized that I have not properly dealt with it as I begin to recall where are lives were at a year ago and I see my daughter and I wonder how I missed so much? This past week has also been hard in learning about so many losses in the T1 community. I was bumping along almost feeling like I was getting a handle on things, when I heard of not one or two but seven separate losses all being whisked away from this earth from complications of the same disease that landed my daughter in ICU almost a year ago. Yesterday was the anniversary of a huge loss in the T1 community and it is a difficult thing to think about. A mother is not supposed to have to think about the reality that her daughter could be 24 hours away from deaths door at all times. I do feel God's grace and am so very grateful that He chose to spare her life. March 8th will be a day of celebrating! Celebrating Bekah's life and that God gave us a second chance and not that we have to but get to measure her food and calculate insulin to carb ratios and basal rates etc. I have big plans for that day, even a giveaway on my blog so stay tuned but, for today I need that time to grieve.
You know, I felt so bad when I was going through this "process"...the grieving. I felt I should be through it by year one, but I wasn't. I felt I should be through it and I should be doing "fine" - I wasn't. It took a good year and a half to be OK with it for the most part. I still have some rough patches here an there for sure.
ReplyDeleteI think the important thing is to do what you are doing...allowing yourself to go through the emotions that you need to in order to get to the "other-side". I heart you! And...I cannot wait to see what March 8th brings!
I agree with Reyna. There is no right amount of time. And all our dx stories are so different and traumatic to each of us for different reasons. I still cry thinking about THAT day.
ReplyDeleteYay for celebrating her life. Because she is here D and all and each day is a blessing!!
I believe it is something that comes in waves, just like the loss of a loved one, no set time fits.
ReplyDeleteTake your time and know you are never alone.
Absolutely you do it and you do it your way! Celebrating, dancing, praying, crying, throwing a tantrum . . . . they are all game for us D-moms. Never feel lonely. Just know there are other's out there surving the waves right along with you!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI also wonder how I missed so much. I look back at certain pictures and my heart still breaks... even more than 2 years later.
ReplyDeleteGuilt is an ugly thing. But don't let it eat away at you because you are a beautiful, strong, awesome mom who can kick some D ass!!
Love ya!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm definitely going through a grieving time right now and my husband is picking up on it too. I'm just making sure that I give myself that time like you are. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteLet us celebrate the JOY.
ReplyDeleteI still grieve, I think it comes and goes and we all process it differently. This is a difficult subject, especially since you are getting ready to mark your one year d-anniversary. It's tough, my heart aches as I read this because I have soooo been there my friend. I have been there.
ReplyDeleteBIG (((HUGS)))
May you have a blessed weekend!
I agree with what everyone has said. You don't have to be over it. You don't need to feel guilty. We've all been there. We know. Feel what you need tonfeel. I'm still have those waves of grief- almost 2 years in. And I think I always will. And that's ok.
ReplyDeleteCelebrate that day! We did our one year up big- a party and everything!! No party this year- but we will celebrate. We will celebrate LIFE.